Coming Soon:


Friday, November 27, 2009

Awards Everywhere

     I had a story that was to post today called 'Funny, I Don't Recall Eating That'.  I pulled it before it posted becaues I entered it into a contest and one of the rules was it could not be published.  It did not specifically say internet but a lot do and I did not want to chance it.  I will know by mid February if and where it places and if it does not place I can post it then.  Obviously, I feel it is a great story which is why I entered it.

     Instead of the story today, I have a little time to acknowledge some awards I recieved from some truley great people.  I hope not to offend anyone, I wont be following some of the rules, but I did want to acknowledge them.

First, I recieved the Superior Scribbler Award from Tina @ The Clean White Page
                                                                                  Bendigo @ Bendigo's Rage

I originally Recieved this award from Leeuna @ My Mind Wandered...and it never came back and you can check out the post and who I passed it on to here: Superior Scribbler Award

2nd, I recieved the Kreativ Blogger Award from The Trailer Trash Queen

I originally recieved this from Jenno @ The Life And Times Of La Jenno  and you can check out the post and who I passed it on to here: Kreativ Blogger Award

3rd, I recieved the Over The Top Award from Ms Burb @ Burb's Buck & Buntline Inn
                                                                         Adorabibble @ Adorabibble

This is the one I'm going to have the break the rules on.  Between work, the holidays and being sick I will have to follow up on this at a later date.  I just wanted to get this up to acknowledge the wonderful people who gave these to me in the last couple of weeks.  Everyone of these sites are fantastic and I urge you to check them out. 

Again, Thank you all and thank you to everyone who follows me


Tuesday, November 17, 2009

The Trusting Turkey

    A long time ago on a special day, war broke out. Color and Joy were over taken by the cold and dreary Grays. Color and Joy knew something had to be done but what, they did not know. Far on the horizon, a hero awoke from a loud and horrendous roar emanating from his nose. Thus began the final battle of the Color and Joys against the Grays on that day of Good N Plenty.

    The only color came as rays of warm sun flowed around the wooden slats and rippled across the bed to form a pool of pure comfort in a drab and colorless morning. In the pool the hairy heathen lie, blissfully enjoying his quiet as I floated across the green grass of carpet to be by his side. I hovered over my flea laden co-conspirator of past as his eyes slowly opened to reveal two trusting windows reflecting my own soul.
Without words, we each knew it was time to breath new color into the steel gray life that hung around the morning air. With a nod from each of us, I slid off to the edge of my kingdom to take a peek across the vast desert of my journey to the metal dragons den. I spied three of the enemy Grays, sitting, staring at a box of light between me and my destination, their king lying motionless beside them. With a glance back to my hairy heathen friend, I let him know with an evil grin of my imminent return, then headed out.

     Ghost like, I slid through the enemy, eyes down, passing each unnoticed. I made it across the lifeless landscape to the place that held the metal dragon called Amana easily but I feared the return would not be as kind. Numerous doors leading to nowhere confused my mind as I searched for my treasure fruitlessly. Perplexed, I sat and thought. My eyes drifted over to Amana, sleeping now but soon would be awake. My eyes grew brighter as my sight fell upon its glass belly. There in the depths of its bowels, the treasure I sought. With feet of air I crept to the metal dragon and delicately pried the beasts belly open to retrieve my prize, the Container of Joy, bruised black and blue and worn down from years of use.

     With treasure in hand there was but one task left before my stealthy return, slay the metal dragon. I reached to my side and unsheathed my rusty wrench, silently crawling across the back of the dragon to the one spot that would kill it. I slowly raised my rusty wrench above my head then thrust down with all my strength, connecting to the one spot that would extinguish the fires from hell. With a quick, precise turn, the dragon laid lifeless, unable to harm anyone again.

     Treasure secured and dragon dead, I prepared myself for the journey back to my domain where my hairy heathen friend waited. I shimmied across the bottoms of huge eight foot cliffs and hid in the shadows of soft plushy rocks. Across the desert I flew for what seemed like weeks but was mere seconds of my life lost to the trek.

     Upon my arrival, my hairy heathen friend smiled. I saw in his face the trust I needed to win the war against the Grays. I lifted my friend into the air and carefully placed him into the Container of Joy. Time was of importance, the King of Grays was soon to be at the den of the metal dragon Amana. I hoisted the container with my friend inside and journeyed back to Amana's den.

     With my friend inside, I placed the Container of Joy into the metal dragon's stomach. With one last look, I checked to see if he was alright and his expression back told me all was well, then I sealed him closed inside the belly of the metal dragon.

     Quickly and effortlessly, I donned my disguise; lips turned down, back hunched and bags under my eyes and hid among the Grays. Their King moaned, rustled and rolled over, awake. He stood, scratched his humongous butt and cackled if there was any mud water. I pointed towards Amana's Den and declared the dragon might have some hidden in its belly. With one last scratch and a blast of air, he was off.
      I could hear him search the numerous doors leading to nowhere, then silence. A yelp of surprise, followed by four lettered words flew from Amana's Den. The Grays flew up to see what the matter was with their king, I followed. The king sat on a tiny throne across from Amana, its belly gaping open. My hairy heathen friend was sitting on the surprised king's lap, smiling, inappropriately licking himself. Soon, the Grays caught onto what had happened. Their mouths started to turn up, their eyes lighting up. Color and Joy soon began to spread, filling Amana's den then spreading across the great desert, filling the world with smiles and laughter.

Dedicated to Orkin who always trusted me to never hurt him no matter what situation I put him in.
Yes, this was my way of saying I put the cat in a turkey pan and stuck him in the oven to scare my roommate…safely of course.


Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Yes Virginia, The Cat Can Lock You Out of the House (revised)


    Sometimes, something happens so bizarre, so out there, that you think no one would ever believe you. Such a thing happened to me in August 2009. In fact, the incident is what inspired me to pick up writing again after two decades. I hastily created a blog site and named it aptly "Stories From an Innocent Owner of Mad Cats". In my excitement of this new site, I wrote "Yes Virginia, The Cat Can Lock You Out of the House" and posted it on  Aug 10. I sped through the story in a rush to get it posted and it never got the treatment it deserved, so I have rewritten it and reposted it in hopes it gets the attention it deserved.
     From three months ago today, I give you the story that started it all...

Yes Virginia, The Cat Can lock You Out of the House!

    Everyday we go about our lives doing our daily rituals. Somewhere during those rituals we wind up doing something stupid. Usually we take the easy way out and blame it on ignorance. "No one told me", "who would of thought" and "officer, I had no idea the speed limit wasn't 110". Most of the time we secretly know better, we just thought for one small fragment of time, we could get away with it. Pets are the same way. I'm pretty sure every time I have had guest over, the cat knew what he was doing when he plopped down in front of everyone and started licking himself inappropriately. I'm also convinced the guest standing next to a child who exclaimed "wish I could do that" knew better also.

    One August morning I awoke from a rare good night's sleep. I got up, did my usual morning routine, checked the cat food, checked the water bowl and cleaned the Almond Roca out of the cat box. Being busy the last couple of days and not home a lot, the cats were feeling a little ignored so I played with them for a short bit giving them the attention they were so craving before heading down the stairs to make coffee.

    With coffee in hand I opened the sliding glass patio door about a foot and slid outside to enjoy some early morning summer sun. As I sat down in the white plastic chair and propped my feet up on the cheap patio table, I heard my neighbor say good morning to me from the other side of the fence. I asked how she was doing and we chit chatted for a few minutes before she went back in to her place. I reached into my pocket and pulled out my cell phone to see what time it was. I was running behind and was going to be late for work if I didn't hurry. As I stood up I heard the familiar sound of a seven pound cat jump onto the patio screen door. Turning around, I discovered my flame pt. Siamese, Fuego, plastered to the screen door about 6 feet up.

    As I reached out to open the screen door with the cat on it, I realized I had only opened the patio door about a foot. Fuego was on the screen right next to the edge of the patio door. His feet blocking me from opening the screen door, I sternly asked for him to get down. He stared blankly back. "Come on, get down", I said in my I'm not kidding anymore voice. He stared blankly back. "I'll give you a treat", emphasizes the word treat. He stared blankly back. Back and forth I went, alternating between telling him I was going to kick his fuzzy butt to I'll scratch your belly.

    Finally, he started to break and I could see him crane his head back and forth looking for that perfect spot to flop down at. He eyed a particular safe landing area and started to tense up ready for the leap of faith. "Good kitty!" I cheered, and with that, his brother Toby came running over and sat his big behind down right where Fuego was going to crash land. I looked back up to the seven pounds of fur still stuck to the screen, my eyes wide with horror. He stared blankly back.

    With cell phone in hand, I contemplated calling work to tell them I am going to be late but decide against it. I was quite sure telling them my cat locked me out of the house is the equivalent to telling your teacher the dog ate your homework. Eventually, Toby got bored and went to explore some other part of the house and Fuego was able to jump down. I felt lucky because I'm positive Fuego could have stayed up there for hours.

    I made it to work on time without having to utter the words "Officer, I had no idea the speed limit wasn't 110".

    After a long day at work, I came home to find everyone waiting for me at the front door like a pack of dogs. I ignored them all. I finished the day sitting on the couch watching some T.V., still a little miffed. Fuego came sneaking up from the side of the couch, jumped up and crawled into my lap. He looked up at me, smiled and started purring. I stared blankly back. He purred louder. "That was stupid" I tell him as I feel the corners of my mouth slowly inching up.

    I am sure he knew what he was doing when he jumped on the screen. I am also sure Toby knew what he was doing when he sat down in the only safe landing area for Fuego. There not stupid cats but for one small fragment of time, they knew they could get away with it.

To all of my followers, Thank you

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Interlude #4: If You Have A Moustache, Get A Dog!

    I was awakened each night to what felt like Muhammad Ali slapping me in the face. My eyes would open to find my new Kitten sitting on my chest staring at me. This happened for weeks, every night. I seem to be the only one in the house this kitten hated so much he felt the need to punch me around as I slept. I was laughed at and mocked for getting beat up by a tiny cute adorable little kitten. During the day, he seemed to love me but each night the lights went out, the gloves went off. Ding goes the bell, whack goes the paw, right in the nose.

    It wasn't until one afternoon, when I saw my tiny cute adorable little kitten playing with a toy, that I finally caught on. He was batting, punching and flinging a fuzzy little worm cat toy. I reached up to my hairy upper lip and the light of understanding shined down on me.

    Doing my Sally Field impersonation, "you love me, you really, really love me", I ran to the bathroom and snatched the clippers from the drawer.

    That night, with my closely cut upper lip hair, I grabbed the fuzzy little worm cat toy and placed it on the end of the bed. I shut off the light and smiled, looking forward to my first uninterrupted night of sleep in weeks. As the drunks were all going home, I was again startled awake by a left hook to the face. My eyes popped open, wide awake with confusion in my head. There on my chest sat the tiny cute adorable little kitten and there on my face sat the fuzzy little worm cat toy.